"I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'" - Joan Rivers
"As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It’s 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'" - Joan Rivers
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor." - Joan Rivers
"On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell." - Joan Rivers
"Grandchildren can be so f-cking annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel." - Joan Rivers
"I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs." - Joan Rivers
"Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?" - Joan Rivers
"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery." - Joan Rivers
"Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'" - Joan Rivers
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." - Joan Rivers
"I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it." - Joan Rivers
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.” - Joan Rivers
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”- Joan Rivers
“The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.”- Joan Rivers
“Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.” - Joan Rivers
.”I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963.”- Joan Rivers
“I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”- Joan Rivers
“I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.” - Joan Rivers
“At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!”- Joan Rivers
“A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.”- Joan Rivers
“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”- Joan Rivers
“You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.”- Joan Rivers
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